The time I spent thinking about you
Just like the title says this is the time I spent thinking about you. So here’s my story.
On December 22nd, 2007 I met a certain person in a chat room that one of my, at the time, friends hosted. She seemed like an outspoken kind of person and you could tell she was only but a novice to the online world. After we chatted with each other we decided to take the conversations out of the room. We started to use MSN messenger to chat with each other and I got to know her more and more on a personal level.
Days turned to weeks then a month rolled by in what seemed like a blink of an eye. By this time I had gotten pretty close to her. However soon after I learned that she had just started going out with someone else she had met in the chat rooms. Eventually the guy comes into the chat room that I spend most of my time in. For me, I didn’t get too close to him, it was just a feeling I had.
After a few days, when the room was having an actual conversation about something other than porn or peoples sexual preference, out of nowhere he asked me if I hated him because I wasn’t answering his private messages. I didn’t answer him because I didn’t think I needed to. I didn’t hate the guy or anything; I just didn’t see how answering the question in a crowded room would prove that I didn’t hate him. I’ve been asked that question many times before; some of the people in the room knows me and knows that if I hate someone I would tell them straight up. I didn’t hate him but the way he conversed with us reminded me of many other people I met, people who weren’t what they said they were. It was at this point that that I decided to take a little break from the chat rooms, after a little altercation I had with him, which he turned around and tried to make me look like the bad guy, but it was just me enforcing the rules of the room. However before I took a break one of my friends did a little research on this guy.
A few days later my friend emails me and tells me that the guy actually had a girlfriend already, aside from the girl I had been chatting with. I was pretty shocked at this fact and so I asked one of my friends if they had seen the girl in the chat rooms because she hadn’t been online for some time and they told me that she had gone to Australia to meet this guy. I thought to myself, I was a little too late, and this was where everything started to go downhill.
She had come back and she wasn’t the same happy, delightful, person that she was before she left. This left a giant hole in me. I wanted to help her but at the same time my heart wanted to be with her. After some time passed I finally told her my feelings but I was too late. She told me that she wasn’t looking for someone at the moment and that she would give up on long distance relationships. A million pieces is only a fraction of what my heart became.
We then started to lose touch, instead of spending entire nights chatting with each other it turned to days waiting for a single reply. Now instead of using MSN messenger we started emailing each other which would take up to a week. Those weeks would then turn to months on end. I still remember that first month waiting for an email; it was probably the longest month of my life. After that I told myself I would give up on her. I told myself I still have my entire life to look for someone else. Like the famous quote, there are other fish in the sea. And so she started to drift out of my heart and mind. But as soon as the thought of her moved out of my reach something would happen and then I would be reminded of her again, I would then email her and again those feelings that I had for her would flood back consuming me entirely. This would happen time and time again, as soon as I had almost let her go things would happen and the cycle would happen all over again. This has been going on even to this day.
The latest one was because of Typhoon Morakot. I emailed her to see if she and her family was safe. After waiting a day she replied and told me they were all okay. She had been out of the country so she wasn’t there when it hit. I was so relieved that she replied because I had a friend who had lost an Uncle and Nephew in the typhoon and so I feared for the worst.
So now here I am again, waiting for that next email that could take weeks or even months. Do I regret it, never. But it is hard on me, having these emotions. The problem is that I want to be with her, but if I try anything else I would seem forceful or pushy, which wouldn’t work in my favor. I also don’t want to give up on her entirely.
Many people would tell me to just move on, since it seems unlikely that I would ever have a chance with her. What I have to say is what would you do if the only thing you can think about is the person you love? Would you just forget about them because someone tells you that you’ll never have a chance? What if that person was the only fish you would ever know in that sea?
It’s a little difficult for me to just accept that I’ll never have a chance, mainly for these two reasons, I am an American and I am an Asian. My American, never give up even if you bleed, kind of attitude and my Asian, never let go of the important things, kind of attitude. This is what makes it hard for me to just give up and quit and it is because of these parts of me that lets me see that what I am doing might be all for nothing. But you know what I live my life without regrets, I live my life for the people I care about, and I live my life for the very reason why we are here.
So there you go this is the time I spend and have spent thinking about you. This could be the last moment or just one moment in a long chain, but it’s all the same, because it’s only another look into Chai’s boring life.
